This last Saturday marked eight months since our oldest son Covey drowned in the lake near our house. Eight long and yet oddly fast months. Eight months of living in an alternate reality that I somehow got thrown into against my will. Some days I feel almost “normal”now, but for me that still means sporadically crying at some point during the day, and living with a broken emptiness that fortunately usually only shows its face when I break away from the busyness of every day. I laugh, I work, and I play, and I go about looking for the good. It’s the same as before and yet totally different.
I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on the question, “Who am I?” Well, in the obvious sense, I’m Diane. I’m a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, and a mother. I’m Covey’s mom, as many have referred to me over the years. But not so much anymore. My stewardship over him is finished for right now, and I’m not really sure what to make of it. It’s a transformation I was not expecting to make nor hoping for. This loss has shattered my core, my whole self, and now that the rawness of it has subsided, I’m trying to figure out just exactly what that means for my life as Diane.
But I do trust God. I really do believe that I am literally a daughter of God. I know that our Father in Heaven is in the details of our lives, and He wants us to succeed. He wants me to succeed. He wants to lead me to becoming my best self and He will do that for all of us if we let Him. In Romans 8:16-18, 28 it reads,
“The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:
And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.
For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”
I believe God has great things in store for all of us. We just need to include Him in our journey.
So here I am, starting a blog right in the middle of my life’s story. I’m not really sure what more my voice will add to the many already out there, but I feel that this is something God wants me to do. He’s been hinting for months that I need to start a blog to share my experiences, and I’ve decided to accept the challenge! Who knows where it will lead, but for now I’m just going to start writing.